i wish you are here by my side, but i know it will never happen.. its all in the past, and i have to carry my bags and move on..

im making plans to leave the country and go to a place where no one knows me at all, and the time difference will be 12hours. it would probably be the best reason on not communicating anyone from back home, it either im sleeping or they're sleeping..

looking through the apartments the prices of the rents and selling prices, i just have to slap my face. i guess my investment gotta start real soon, if not im not able there..

Fafa, asked me if my departure in the 4 years to come, is it because of him? it seems like i wanna leave before he's even out. was i too hurt to see him once again, but i still have his pictures and particulars in my phone.

well, i believe one fine day im able to erase him from my phone, and the hope i've on him. and tell her that she's wrong and that the real reason is actually is its hard to find a job here and im just gambling my situation there, maybe i have luck..

however i know it will be a struggle, but what are my chances i will never know if i dont try. but what i know for sure is that we'll never meet again..

we couldn't and shouldn't lay eye on each other again. probably maybe, i will be found there instead of i'm having to find here..

seriously, im just feeling numb. i live each day, day by day like a routine..

here even though im surrounded by people, i feel so alone. the emptiness in my heart just cant seems to go away. leaving doesn't change anything, its just that im surrounded by strangers and i'm still alone. it doesn't make a difference anyway. having to cook dinner for yourself, eating dinner yourself, go to the gym yourself, do shopping yourself and walking aimlessly around town by yourself.

here i've to try my best to meet everyone's needs and also expectations of me. probably me being there, i just have to do well in my job and that would be it the only thing that i've to do. here, i've my parents, my job, my colleagues, my schoolmates, my friends..

i seriously miss drawing, unfortunately my skills went down the drain.. i miss painting, i miss having to stay up late and watch the moon and stars, i miss taking photographs, i miss going to plays, i miss acting..

maybe when im there, i can do all these again.. i dont put my hopes on it, but it would be nice if i can do all these again..

its been months, and im just practically speechless. im torn into pieces that i no longer know how much longer till i just break down and cry..

i just wanna run away from everything and start a new, probably run away to some other country and make a home there. but its all hard, as i dont even know what im here for and i cant possibly lose myself there..

its been almost two months since i last spoken to hoggy, and somehow i just wanna talk to him but i cant bring myself to, even though he is just a call away.. i know i have to get away from him..

i wanna scream out and cry to someone, who would probably hear me out and give a crying shoulder but i just i have to take it and swallow it deep. seriously, i feel the pain in my heart its unbearable but i cant reach out to anything or anyone. everyone seems to leave, and i cant force them to stay..

im seriously sick of crying to sleep every night, trying to figure the way out but it seems so impossible..

work seriously suck to the fucking core, my boss is a freaking power sucking bitch! seriously i really hate her. im still at my job, cause i got no else go. even though i study so hard, and so much everything else is no use. i cant take her anymore, but i just i just have to suck it up till the day end. sigh! dragging my feet off to work every single day. i seriously cant believe with her, having to suck to all the credits, push me to the limits. seriously i hate my job. its not that my boss is a bad person, she is good, but she's not the type of person to be the boss. damn bloody bossy! i cant believe myself that i have bring work while i was on vacation, seriously i was due to fly off the next day and you hand me over the work on the day before i fly, and want it to be done as soon im back.
probably she's being intimidated cause im out with the others, who are the in the same bench as her but just off a different department. for goodness sake! its my prerogative, as its during my vacation week, but you told the whole office bout it. where's my privacy? my pay is already peanuts! paying bills, transportation, accommodations, left me at most 150bucks to last for the 30days. 

okay, now im stuck in the office 24/7, everywhere i go even the washroom i have to report. its better if she were to put a GPS on me, and that she can track me every minute.

i seriously need my own space at work, but it seems that i cant have it. i believe that there's a fucking bastard, somewhere at work who is stalking me. seriously just a life!

sigh! if only i could just go away and never come back. but i just cant..

at home, pressure is pushing me further and beyond. work pressure, home pressure. no point talking about it. im just them to give me support, but i everything i do always a mistake. i went on to a take a major, which i never intend to, which i never ever found the passion in it still (3 years and going). im left with 1 more year till im done.

quitting my job, will make them judge me even worse. without a job, not smart enough, useless, plainly stupid, hopeless and better off dead, at least they can have the insurance worth thousands. 

i've always try my best to make them proud, make them happy just to make them see me for what i am, and probably see me as their child once again. but all my efforts, are thrown down the drain. nothing i do seems to be right, even passing my exams, cause im just not just good enough.

in addition, pressure in school. being a part-time student, i have to juggle with work and home, i tend to leave my personal issues behind. especially in the 3rd year, more projects, more presentations, plus i dont know a single thing about this major, im just going for it to make them proud. but at the end of the day, they are not proud anyway. sigh! even during family competition, ive to be the one trying and be the one to win it, but no point, there's only so much i can do.

ive been away from people alot, i even the last time i went on a date, the last time i went to the cinema to watch a movie and the last time doing things i enjoy doing or simply just reading the whole book at starbucks with coffee. seriously, i've overlooked my friends. i try to make my parents happy, that friendship are being ended. the only thing that stayed with me, is my cigarettes and i try to no matter what have them stock, even though i dont eat, i need to smoke. i guess they are the only thing that keep me from going insane.

i try to make all the others happy, but i know that im myself is never happy. to me, maybe their happiness and blessing will make me content. i've to struggle day to day, staying alive is not the point, but getting through the day is the whole issue.

i just dont know what more i can do, i can do only so much when they are already wanting so much. im wearing thin.

my health is not much better. having to junk, seriously i didnt know when was the last time i check my diet plan and not just junk any food closet to me. the last time i when to gym? i tried to squeeze it in, but my legs end up breaking. monday till friday, work end till 5pm, monday, tuesday and friday classes from 7pm till 10pm and hitting the gym on wednesday and friday from 6pm till 9pm. saturday, off to library to study, my research for school and brushing those work stuffs. and finally sunday, a family day? not! the day when i have do spring cleaning over and over every sunday. i dont remember when we last had dinner together or my birthday celebration..

oh, how i wish i can venture my love for the arts, music, photography, painting, acting, photography, designing, but i cant...

when im at home, people scream and yell at me. me this and that, i barely take afternoon naps during holidays.

well, my migraine is getting from bad to worse. no point explaining to anyone, its not that they gonna lessen my workload, or or lessen the screaming and give me time off. my life just dont work that way.

i feel like my temple is burning, i feel like throwing up. i got abdominal pains, backaches, sharp pains on my right ribs. i find it hard to breath at times and my headache is spreading, and it will take a longer time to subside even though i increase the dosage of aspirin.

the doctor wanted me to go for a scan, but seriously i cant afford it, i cant even afford to pay my school fees which is due uptill 1400bucks. i dont even have a fucking saving, im just left with 30bucks till the next two weeks. and i got no where to go, except to come back here.

thats why i walk back home from work, even though i fucking tried. and its a 5mile walk under the hot sun, i just walk. yeah! i might cover it up, and said im doing cardio, but the actual reason is that i dont have enough money.

yes, i do have insurance coverage, but i do not want people to know about it cause paper work need to be done and they will know. i dont want them to sympathize me, upon knowing me in a bad state and moreover maybe they will change and try to be nicer. i just dont want, and i cant bare it.

if i were to die, then let me die without the others know about it when im still alive cause it will change eveything.

well, for now and always its mind over body..

maybe one day i can break away from this cycle, i would probably go to new york and work in a language school, teaching malay, indonesian and maybe also chinese and never come back. till the day comes then..


before i die, i want to meet someone sees me as perfectly perfect.